


Henry, You Lil Shit

by Ims0s0rry



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack, Episode: s04e22-s04e23 Operation Mongoose, F/F, Gen, Metafiction, Swan Queen Week Winter 2017, Swan-Mills Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 19:48:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9563765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ims0s0rry/pseuds/Ims0s0rry
Summary: Day 6: Trapped in an AUA tongue-in-cheek rewrite (is it a rewrite if everything stays the same?) of Operation Mongoose. One part OUAT bashing, one part blatant Galavant rip-off, two parts terrible humor, and in which Henry is a self-aware little shit. Please refer back to my username for my thoughts on this piece.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shadowcub](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowcub/gifts).



> For shadowcub, Ouat tweets, M.whitney and anyone else whose heart I broke during Porcelain to Ivory to Steel. I hope this makes up for it a little.
> 
> Follow along while Henry sings here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXEUSW8t40Q

Henry frowns as he flips through the pages of the paperback, checking every so often over his shoulder for anyone on his trail. He side-steps the hole at the base of the cedar, maneuvers around the log set-up to fall with the slightest of bumps, and looks up to find "a rustic version of home".

"Turn around slowly."

He freezes and raises his hands, coming face to face with his mom, an arrow nocked and aimed at his head. His look of relief is wasted though, because her next words are "Who are you? What do you want?"

He swallows before he says, "My name is Henry. I'm your son."

The arrow doesn't waver. "Nice try. I think I'd remember giving birth."

"You adopted me. We're...we're in an alternate reality. That's why you don't remember anything."

She sighs and lowers her bow. "First I've gotta deal with Snow and being on the run and skinning and eating my forest friends. Now I've gotta handle crazies too?" Before he can do little more than flinch, she's patted him down. "Well, as insane as you are, you're not armed so I suppose you can come inside. Mind the tripwire over the threshold; it drops a hornet's nest on your head."

He takes an exaggerated step over the opening, straightening up inside the hollow log. It's roomier than it appears from the outside, big enough to hold a fireplace, a table, and two benches. More than anything, it reminds him of the Beavers' lodge from The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. He frowns, wondering if mentioning that violates the copyright agreement before he remembers that the Narnia franchise is Disney property too. It's all good. Kinda creepy how much Disney owns, but there are bigger things to worry about right now.

"Do we drink tea together in this alternate reality or no?"

"Uh, yeah." He's more of a hot cocoa kind of guy but he feels like this is the wrong time to bring that up.

There's a small commotion as she readies the tea tray. He jumps when she slams it down on the table. "Alright, spill. I know you're dying to tell me about this other universe."

"Right, okay. So let’s start with Peter Pan..."

When he finishes, she stares at him hard for a few long moments before she says, "Dude, your family tree is seriously fucked up."

"...yeah." He's too startled by her profanity to say anything more intelligent.

"There's no way fate or destiny or whatever you wanna call it would make anything that convoluted."

"I haven't even gotten to the really weird parts, like how we're supposed to buy that your mom and Leopold used to be engaged before she married you off to him."

"What?"

"Right? Honestly, it makes more sense if you stop trying to figure things out and take it at face value."

"Listen, Harry...?"

"Henry, you named me after your dad."

"Sure. You've got quite an imagination."

"It's real!" He's starting to get pissed off. This is like before he brought Emma to Storybrooke all over again.

"Yeah, okay. Maybe in your realm, but here in the real world, fairytales aren't true."

Henry looks straight into the camera like he's on The Office. Damn, NBC isn't owned by Disney. Is that allowed? He's spent a total of half an hour in this world and he already can't even.

"Look." He thrusts Isaac's book into her hands. "If I'm lying, how do you explain this?"

Her eyebrows raise as she skims a few pages. "Okay, but I'm pretty well known. People know about my past."

"But do most people know that Snow hates you, not because she's jealous that you're the fairest in the land but because you told a secret that got her fiance killed?"

She freezes. "How do you know that?"

He turns the pages and taps the paragraphs that outline the incident. "Of course, in my world, everything is flipped, like I told you. Grams is the bandit and you're the queen, but I think you secretly love her, even at the height of your reign. And there are plenty of times where it was just you two one-on-one, but despite all your bluster about wanting to kill her, she and Charming always get away scot-free. I mean, I did some research and your kill count was at least 72 people the last time I checked, but the book's also kind of an asshole and never tells anything in chronological order, so new pages are being added constantly and the timeline always changes. It's a pain." It's a little thrilling to be so frank with his mother. He'd definitely get grounded for using coarse language at home.

But she suddenly tosses the book into the fireplace. Before he can do more than cry out, she's got a knife at his throat. "Witchcraft!" she hisses. "How do I know Snow didn't send you?"

"If I had any sort of magic, don't you think I would've used it by now? And you already searched me, I don’t have any weapons."

She digs the blade a little more into his skin, waiting for a reaction. They stare at each other for a full minute before she relents. "Look, I don't know how you know so much about me, but realm traveling isn't possible anymore."

The camera pans in on his fed up expression. "Oh my god, the writers have broken that rule like six times since season three."

She narrows her eyes. "Are these writers different from the Author?"

"Yes, but it's hard to explain. I can't really wrap my head around it. All you need to know is that the caliber of the storytelling has really fallen since the second season, maybe since the middle of the second season. Depends on who you ask."

"Okay...well, I gotta go get dinner started, rob royals, avoid being captured and tortured by my stepmother, you know, the usual. I still think you're insane, but you're harmless as far as I can tell. It was nice meeting you, Henry. See yourself out whenever." She ducks outside.

He trots after her. "Wait! Please, Mom! I only need your help rescuing my other mom and resetting the timeline and I'll stop bothering you, okay? It'll take two days, tops." Isaac told him that Emma had been written out, but he doesn't buy it. You can't get rid of a starring cast member that easily, especially in a season finale.

"You’ve got to stop calling me Mom. And besides, I've got things to do. Living on your own in the middle of the forest is harder than it looks. Leave me alone, okay?" She marches into the thick underbrush.

He huffs. "Fine, I'll go find Ma by myself. Maybe she can convince you."

She raises a hand without turning around. "Good luck with that!"

To his surprise, hitchhiking is a pretty convenient way to get around. The coachmen let him sit up front as long as he keeps spinning his outrageous tales. One of them wipes tears of mirth from his eyes. "Snow White and Charming, the most beloved royals in the land? That's rich."

"And they have a daughter named Emma. She's the product of true love. Have you heard of her?"

He rubs his chin. "There's a fortress out on the Bottomless Sea where the queen keeps a lone prisoner. Don't remember her name exactly, but it might be Emma. Ella? Elsa? Emily? Nah, Emma sounds right, I think."

It's not much, but it's the only lead he's got. "Thanks for everything!" he says as he hops off at the harbor.

"No problem," the coachman says. "Think about going to school to become a minstrel once you finish your quest. I hear Bard College is taking applications until February."

"I'll keep that in mind," he says. Honestly, he doesn't remember the last time he went to school. It's been hard to keep up attendance with all of the recent crises. What grade would he even be in now? Doesn't matter, he decides. Who needs school when you run around with fairy tales all day?

He spots the Jolly Roger bobbing at the docks and makes a beeline for it. "Hey Killian," he says as he hauls himself onboard.

The man squints at him, a mop in his good hand and a toothbrush prosthetic in place of his usual hook. "Do I know you?"

"Yes, but in a parallel universe. You've got a thing for my mom. Actually, I need your help to rescue her."

His face scrunches up. "Why would you need my help?"

"Because you're the captain. Come on, we're headed to the Bottomless Sea."

"Captain?" A man's voice thunders. "Is that what that spineless maggot told you?"

Henry turns to see a massive bewhiskered man boarding the ship.

"N-no, Captain, sorry sir." Hook bobs his head.

"I told you I wanted this ship spotless by the time I got back. Stop dilly-dallying and get back to work."

"Yes sir." He scuttles off.

"And who're you?" Blackbeard demands.

Henry sighs. Why does he always have to do everything himself? He jumps up, yanking on a pulley. The counterweight falls onto the captain's head, knocking him out cold.

"What do you think you're doing?" Hook scurries over.

"We're commandeering the ship. Come on, help me drag him below deck. Don't tell me this is your first time tying up an unconscious body."

"Can't say I ever have."

"Seriously? You're a lot less rapey than your counterpart."

"Thank you?"

"You're welcome."

Usually it would take more than two people to sail a vessel of the Jolly Roger's size, but since no crew would ever take this Hook seriously, they've been edited out for the sake of moving the story along. In no time at all, Hook and Henry near an island fortress. It's less of an island and more like a speck of land in the sea and there's no way in hell the lone Black Knight wouldn't see a ship the Jolly Roger's size coming from several miles away, but come on people, this is Once Upon a Time. Are you really going to question the logic of this trash show?

In any case, they knock the Black Knight out and take the keys. Henry rushes to the top of the tower and unlocks the door to find Emma slumped in her shackles.

"Ma?" He kneels by her side as he frees her from the irons. "Are you okay? Can you hear me?"

"Henry?"

"You remember!" He hugs her tight. "I'm so glad I'm not the only one who knows the truth here."

"I'm just happy we're together again. But I'm not the Savior here. I don't have any magic. All I have are my memories."

“Then kiss me!”

She raises her eyebrows. “I hope this isn’t the line you’re using on girls at school.”

“Maaa, true love’s kiss will break any enchantment. We’ll use it to go back to Storybrooke.”

“Right.” She hardly has to bend to reach his forehead anymore. They both hold their breath as her lips brush his skin, but there’s no telltale rainbow burst of magic. She sighs. “I suppose that would’ve been too easy for a season finale. We've still got another half-hour to fill.”

“Maybe true love’s kisses are like coupons. Once you use one, it can't be redeemed again.”

She frowns. “I don’t think that’s true. My parents use it as a fail safe for everything, sleeping curses, splitting their hearts, even regular stuff. Once Dad pulled Mom over for speeding and she said he couldn’t give her a ticket because they had true love.”

“They get away with everything, don’t they?”

She shrugs. “Yeah, I guess so.”

"Well, we'll figure something out. Come on, we've gotta go!"

Hook groans as he finishes dragging the limp guard up the stairs. "Now? Give me five minutes to catch my breath."

"We don't have time!"

She leans heavily on Henry because being chained to the floor for an indeterminate period and then tackling stairs and however they get back on the Jolly Roger is not an easy undertaking.

"Hello, I'm Killian. I'm told I have a thing for you." Hook gives Emma a sheepish little wave.

"Yeah you do, but this really isn't the time for catching up. We need to put as much distance between us and that Black Knight as possible."

"Why? We knocked him out. It'll be ages before he wakes up." Henry calls from the stern.

"Because that wasn't any old Black Knight. That was Lily."

"Well shit." He runs off to adjusts the masts to catch more of a breeze.

"Language, young man!"

"What's so terrible about this Lily?" Hook asks.

Right on cue, a dragon bursts out of the tower, roaring.

"That's Lily. She's a dragon."

"Ah."

Henry loads a cannon with a chain shot and takes careful aim. “Ready when you are, Ma!”

“Steady…” Lily’s spotted them and sailing towards them with powerful strokes of her huge wings. Hook has crawled under a tarp and is peeking from underneath it.

“Steady…” Within seconds, she’s close enough that Henry can make out the unsettling orange of her irises. He watches as her chest inflates and a flicker of flame begins to grow in her maw.

“Now!” He fires. The missile crashes into her left wing, crumpling it and making her go into a sharp tailspin. Emma is somber as Lily crashes into the ocean.

"What's the matter, love? I thought you'd be ecstatic that your captor is no longer able to burn us alive." Hook seems completely unfazed by the fact that he’s recently wriggled out from hiding instead of helping.

"Of course," she says. "But she was also my friend before this all happened."

"Oh. I'm sorry, then."

"Yeah." She sniffs loudly.

They've hardly properly docked before Henry and Emma are disembarking.

"Oi! What am I supposed to do with Blackbeard?"

"Don't know, don't care!" Henry calls over his shoulder. "But your life is mine now that I've gotten you the Jolly Roger."

"Don't you think equating a ship to his whole life is kinda harsh?" Emma asks as they hitchhike back to Regina's forest home.

"I mean yeah, but that's basically what he did to you in our dimension so it all balances out, right?"

"I don't know, kid. It doesn't seem very ethical."

"I like this Hook though. He's still very pretty, but without all that weird brooding. Can we keep him?"

"No, he's not a pet. And besides, the point is to get back to Storybrooke, not hang out here."

Henry groans. "But he's so cute!"

"I know."

They stop at a local Village Outfitters to change Emma out of her prison garb. Henry raises an eyebrow at her wardrobe choice as he slips the shopkeeper gold-covered chocolate coins and prays he doesn't notice.

"What? You don't like it?" Emma asks.

"You look like Gramps."

"Whatever, it's not like this is Express."

"Can you afford Express on what Mom pays you?"

"Shut up, kid."

When they manage to reach the hollow log, Regina's nowhere to be found.

"Any ideas?"

"Well she burned the book before I could read all of it, but if she's not here, she's probably trying to rob someone."

Emma sighs. "Of course she is."

They hear a commotion not too far from where they are as they step onto the Queensroad. With a quick glance at each other, they take off running in that direction. Conveniently enough, it's Snow White threatening Regina while Charming holds her from hitting back. While Henry sneaks around the carriage to liberate a steed, Emma stops dead in her tracks.

"Oh my god. Mom?" She sputters a little, taking in the teased hair and the outlandish dress.

Snow pauses in choking Regina. All three turn to stare at Emma.

"Begone, peasant! This is none of your concern," Snow sneers.

"Aw hell no! This is family business!" Emma charges, punching her mom in the face and dodges her father’s slash to kick him in the groin. "Henry?"

He expertly steers the horse in their direction. Charming tries to get to his feet with a squeaky cry of “stop!” but Regina boots him in the face. With some maneuvering and being boosted by the carriage steps, they manage to all get on.

"Where to?"

"Back home,” Regina says. “It’s not safe here anymore. I’ve got to pick up a few things and move on.”

When they all dismount, she gives Emma a dismissive once over. “You’re his other mother, I’m presuming.”

“Guilty as charged. Emma Swan.” She sticks out a hand with enthusiasm.

They shake hands, Regina much more reluctantly than Emma, who laughs. “This is going a lot better than the last time we met. I think you’d already threatened me by this point. See, because you’d raised him for ten years but there was all hush-hush fairytale business so he ran off to find me, his biological mom, because I’m the Savior who was going to break your curse and you didn’t take very kindly to that or that I was intruding on your custody because the adoption was closed so you told me to get out of town or I’d see what you were ‘capable of’.” She tries to lower her voice to a throaty snarl, but her voice cracks. She blushes.

“Oh god, you buy into his theory too?”

“It’s true, so yeah. I mean, I know how far-fetched it seems, but we’re in a twin dimension right now where everything is opposite so...”

Regina rolls her eyes and enters her log, packing up what little she needs to be on the run again.

Henry squints at Emma.

“What?” she demands.

“Have you always babbled around my mom?”

“What? No! So what’s the plan?”

He peers at her carefully before he says, “Well, true love’s kiss doesn’t work if one of the parties doesn’t remember, so that rules out my mom. Honestly, I don’t know. It’s always saved our butts before. Maybe we can talk to the Dark One. Have any ideas who that might be?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know anything about this realm, except now that I never want to see my mom bearing that much cleavage ever again.”

Regina steps back outside. “Alright, I’m ready. Let’s hit the road.”

Unfortunately, Snow chooses this moment to materialize into existence in a cloud of purple smoke, sporting a very impressive black eye. Before they can do anything, she immobilizes them with a wave of her hand. “Aw, leaving so soon?”

“How did you find me?” Regina spits, her bow half drawn.

“Did you really think that I didn’t already know where you were squatting?”

“Then why didn’t you come kill me already?”

Snow blinks, looking very much like Mary Margaret for a second before she sneers. “I wanted you to suffer. The former princess, forced to pawn off her belongings and steal from passing royals and completely at the mercy of the serfs. How pathetic. But now, now I’ll have my revenge.”

She reaches out, intent on pulling out Regina’s heart when Hook comes out of nowhere and barrels her over.

“What are you doing here?” Henry shouts as their stolen horse rears.

“Paying my debt.” He tries to heroically draw his sword but fumbles and ends up dropping it.

Regina scrambles onto the saddle behind Emma as Snow rises with a snarl and rips out Hook’s heart.

Emma screams as he collapses, his heart crushed into dust.

“You loser!” Henry yells behind him as they gallop away. “That’s like the opposite of what I wanted you to do!”

They halt after a half hour’s ride to let the horse drink. Emma is moping and refuses to get off. Henry stretches his legs and turns to Regina. “Mom, do you know who the Dark One is?”

She shakes her head. “I’m afraid not. Usually the Dark One is really well known so he can screw over desperate people but in order to set up for the next scene which this entire fic was built around, we can’t just have someone summoning him by saying his name three times.”

He sighs. “I guess we’ll have to go to the Dark One’s vault then, and try to contact him there. I did get a good glimpse of the map of the Enchanted Forest before you burned the book so I have a vague idea of where we’re going. It’s a day and a half’s ride from here.”

They plod on all afternoon and evening. At sunset, Henry chirps, “This is nice. Where should we go for dinner? I’m thinking somewhere candlelit.”

Regina snorts. “So anywhere?”

“Basically.”

“Any preferences, Ma?”

Emma grunts.

“Cool. Look, a Tony’s! I’ve always wanted to eat there. I hear the Camelot location is bomb diggity.”

While his moms are freshening up, Henry confides in the maître d’ as he straightens the place settings at the table they’ve reserved. “Okay, so when they’re all settled, you come and tell me I’ve got an urgent matter to attend to. And then hopefully everything will fall into place.”

Regina weaves her way towards him, tugging self-consciously at her fur vest. “Sorry, excuse my inappropriate attire but the shirt I usually wear underneath has gone missing.”

Emma joins them, crossing her bare arms. “Me too!”

He bites his lip, catching his mom glancing at Emma's toned arms. “Must be the fairies. That Blue I hear is a shady ho.”

“She’s quite helpful, actually,” Regina starts to say but he cuts her off. “Sorry Mom, but I don’t have time to pull out her receipts. Why don’t we just sit down and have a nice family dinner, hmm?”

He makes sure that the two are seated across from each other before the waiter arrives, bearing a pigeon. “Pardon me sir, but there’s a message you must respond to posthaste.” He unfurls the tiny scroll, frowning down at the words SWAN QUEEN 4 LYFE scribbled in his own hand. “Excuse me while I deal with this. You two continue on without me.”

He pulls a long-stemmed rose from his sleeve and hands it to Emma. “Here.”

She takes it in bemusement. “Are you buttering me up for your birthday? I’m still not getting you Halo 5.”

He rolls his eyes and yanks her arm so she’s presenting it to Regina. “Oh. Thank you. How thoughtful of you.”

“Sorry, but it’s so weird to be sitting across from you while you’re wearing that outfit. I mean, you wear it very well. Those leggings look a lot better on your butt than my mom’s, um…” Emma’s face burns.

Henry, who’s been watching from behind a nearby pillar, sighs. “Honestly, even this alternate universe would fall apart without my help.” He claps once and the trio of musicians that’s been serenading the diners snaps to attention.

From one frame to the next, he changes into a matching costume with a doublet, tights, and a floppy feathered hat. “Gaze at the person across from you now, feel the sweet spark of attraction. If you don’t screw up this moment somehow, maybe you won’t die alone,” he sings, striding around the table in time to the music.

Regina’s smile freezes. Emma’s mouth tightens as she lets out a strained chuckle. “Henry,” she says through her teeth. “What are you doing?”

“Setting up you and mom.”

Emma chokes. “Why?”

“Because you’ve had a crush on her since forever and especially now she’s a bandit and this is the perfect time to win her over. We’re in a parallel dimension. We can do anything and it’ll all be reversed when we get back to Storybrooke.”

She stammers but no coherent words make it out.

“Don’t be too needy or bring up your ex,” he croons.

“He just died today!”

“Exactly. It’s a downer. Terrible for a first date. But quiet, don’t interrupt my song.”

Regina looks between the two of them in bewilderment. She startles when he pops up behind her and sings, “Don’t say the words herpes simplex. Don’t tell her you dance, like a t-rex. Trust me, I promise, she knows.”

“My dancing is awesome,” Emma grumbles, trying to grab him.

He dances out of reach. “Hey I’m making this up as I go, okay? You're lucky it rhymes. And you’re white, so your dancing automatically sucks unless otherwise noted.”

“And now her defenses are starting to fall, smile and return her affection.” He fluffs out Regina’s hair. Emma swallows audibly. “If you don’t manage to ruin it all, maybe you won’t die alone.”

“I’m sorry about all of this,” Emma says, playing with her napkin. “Henry’s somehow got it in his head that we should get together because we’re both his moms. I mean, it makes sense in a weird way. Not that I think gays or lesbians are weird. I think they’re great! Um, my boyfriend died today and it’s kinda sudden, you know? But you’re very snarky and loyal and you love so hard and I find you extremely attractive and would love to make out with you like all the time, but you don’t know me here and I feel like this might all be coming on too strong for you. I’d definitely be freaked out if I were you. And what is the kid talking about right? We’re only in our thirties, we’ve got plenty of time to settle down. We’re not gonna die alone. Well, I don’t really know how old you are. Like time was frozen in Storybrooke for 28 years so does that count or—”

“You’re on fire,” Regina says blankly.

“Am I?” she laughs nervously. “Because it feels like I’m prattling away like an idiot but if you—”

“No Emma, you’re on fire!”

“Oh! Look at that!” She lifts her gloved hand which is smoking. “This is really going to hurt in like two seconds.” She starts screeching for water and dashes off to the backroom, Regina hot on her heels.

Henry throws his arms up in frustration. “Don’t begin screaming, you’ll blow the whole mood,” he sings. He flinches as there’s more shrieking. “Maybe you won’t die alone. Maybe you won’t die alone…”

After a good night’s sleep, they’re back on the road. No one mentions last night’s fiasco. Emma’s hand is bandaged and she takes particular joy in “accidentally” elbowing Henry in the back as their horse traverses the bumpy roads. Around midday, they reach the clearing that houses the Dark One’s Vault after a mix-up at a sign that pointed toward the Dark Forest in one direction and the Forbidden Mountain in the other. In Henry’s defense though, they both sounded equally ominous and likely locations for the birthplace of evil.

As much literal ribbing as she’s been giving him recently, Emma tells him and Regina to stand back as she approaches the seal. As soon as she presses a symbol, a whirlwind of darkness descends on the clearing.

“Who dares disturb the Dark One?” a voice hisses.

“The Swan-Mills Family! The only thing that matters on this shitty-ass show!” Henry shouts.

Emma groans and covers her face. “Your mom is gonna kill me when she gets her memories back.”

He ignores her. “We need your help,” he calls out.

“Oh? Are you here to make a deal?”

“Sure, why not,” he says, disregarding Regina’s frantic throat-cutting hand movements. She smacks her forehead.

The darkness molds into an ambiguous figure before solidifying into…

“Archie?” Emma yelps.

He frowns, his eyebrows crinkling above his designer sunglasses. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Jiminy Cricket.”

“At your service,” he says with a flourish of his hands. He skips into a bow, his leather attire creaking.

“But aren’t you a...cricket here?”

“Yes well, it’s hard to terrorize untold scores of people when you need a gramophone to translate your threats so I take this form instead. Why take on unlimited power if you aren’t going to use it, am I right?” He giggles. “What can I do for you?”

Henry’s voice has abandoned him. He's too thoroughly disturbed.

“We need to know how to get back to our world.”

He cocks his head as Emma outlines the main points of the finale.

“We’re prepared to do a full-blown satanic ritual if need be. We stopped by Trader Jack’s this morning and stocked up on antibiotic-free goat’s blood and organic beeswax candles and one live free-range rat.”

“As tempting as that offer is, I’ll pass.”

“What do you want, then?” Emma asks, her voice wary.

“In this Storybrooke of yours, Gepetto is there? And I’m still his friend. He isn’t angry with me?” He fidgets, his tone almost wistful.

“No, not as far as I know. Did you do something to him?”

“I made a promise to look over him. But I traded power for his safety, and I’ve been trying to reach him every since. So no charge for knowledge this time. In your realm, true love’s kiss may be reign supreme, but here, the secret is...true love’s high five.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“No, he’s right,” Regina says.

Emma sighs. “Henry?” They smack palms. Nothing happens.

“Maybe I should try it with Mom?” It’s another solid high five, but there’s no magic.

Emma glances at Regina. “It’s worth a shot, right?” They botch the first one, but the second one echoes through the clearing disappointingly.

“You did introduce yourselves as the Swan-Mills family, did you not?” Jiminy prompts.

Henry nods. “On three. One, two—”

Before they can, pure white smoke heralds the arrival of Rumpelstiltskin. None of them notice the second person that materializes behind him.

“That’s my cue. I’m out,” Jiminy says, disappearing.

Emma draws her sword, Regina readies her bow, Henry raises the canteen of goat’s blood threateningly. As soon as he’s corporal, Emma attacks, forcing him back with a barrage of strikes. Regina lets loose arrow after arrow. He freezes them, letting them drop harmlessly to the ground but it distracts him enough that he can’t fight back properly.

“You! Why weren’t you at the wedding?” Isaac points accusingly at Regina.

“Why would I be at a wedding? I’m a little busy at the moment,” she replies, pinning him to a tree with several well-placed arrows.

“Because your true love was getting married! I figured you’d want to be there to stop it.”

She snorts. “My happy ending isn’t a man.”

Rumpelstiltskin blasts Emma onto her back with a burst of magic. He raises his broadsword for a killing blow as she scuttles backwards on her hands.

“Grandpa, no!” Henry stands defiantly between them, squirting blood into his face.

He brings the sword down blindly…

...and cuts into Regina, who’s leaped in front of Henry.

“Oh, that hurts more than I thought it would.” She drops like a lead weight.

“My job here is done,” Rumpelstiltskin announces. “I didn’t kill the boy, but I’m clearly capable of slaughtering you all and ruining the ending if I stick around, so I’ll take my leave.” He vanishes.

Emma and Henry rush to her side. “No no no no. Mommy, mommy, you’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. Don’t leave me. No no no.”

“You idiot!” Emma cries. “How are you supposed to get your happy ending if you’re bleeding to death?”

“Better me than you,” she breathes.

Isaac starts laughing. “Too little, too late.”

Emma gets to her feet and slugs him. “Fix. It. Now.” She punctuates each word with a blow. She pulls the arrows out of the trunk to properly shake him like a rag doll. His quill and blank book go flying. “Save her!”

“I can’t.” He’s still wheezing with laughter. “I can’t do anything about it. We’re stuck.”

Henry notices the quill has landed next to his knee. It glows a soft blue at his touch.

“Hey, stop that!” Isaac says, his gleeful expression clouding over with panic.

“That’s enough out of you,” Emma growls and elbows him in the throat. He falls, coughing and choking, his eyes rapt on Henry’s hand.

“I need savior blood for ink,” he murmurs to himself.

“Mine?” Emma kneels next to him, her sword ready at her wrist.

“No. You’re not the savior here. She is. She’s the one who sacrificed herself for us.” His hand trembles as he dips the quill into his mother’s blood and writes: Thanks to the hero Regina's sacrifice, Isaac's villainous work was undone.

There’s a blinding flash of light.

Henry gets to his feet, peering around the loft. “Mom? Mom!” He runs to her and hugs her tight. “You’re okay.”

“You did it, Henry.” She kisses his cheek. “You saved us.”

Emma thunders down the stairs and wraps them up in her arms. “We’re back!”

David and Mary Margaret are starting to stir as well. Before they fully wake, Regina murmurs to Emma, “So you wanna make out with me all the time?”

She sighs. “That’s all you got out of the last 5000 words?”

Henry grins. It’s good to be back.


End file.
